Computer Humour
You Know It's Going To Be A Bad Day When
Accident Report Forms
Quotes
Car Stickers
Definitions Of Stupid
Classified Ads
T Shirt Slogans
COMPUTER HUMOUR - Technical
Support
Can you tell me where the Any Key is
Is that an upper or lower case forward slash
Can I install this on my Word Processor
Do I have to be online to download a file
I can build computers, I just can't make them work
Does your printer need to be on for it to work
I have a 386 Pentium
It's your fault my son uses the Internet to see naked women! I expect you to stop him
How do I get to that there Sinnernet
What version of the software are you using, "The Computer Version"
It says The carrier couldn't carry me
If I hook up 2 of these 9600 baud modems, will I get 19200?
Can we just pretend we're on that screen
What modem software are you set up for, "Hayes Auto-Erotica"
Click the left mouse button, "Is that your left or my left"
Can you see what I'm doing, "Yes sir and that's a lovely frock your wife is wearing
It just comes up with a message and says click OK...now what?
Is it okay to clean my computer in the tub as long as the power is off
I know what I am doing! I'm a Certified Microsnot Engineer
Have you made a backup, "I didn't know it had a reverse"
Do I need a computer to use your software
How fast is your modem, "It's not moving, it's just sitting there"
Is the internet down
I just got your internet in the mail today
I just got your thingee in the mail
Is that the letter zero or the number zero
Is that a lower case or upper case zero
What type of computer is it, "I don't know. I just bought it"
I Just Downloaded the Internet. How do I use it?
Hey! So that's where it went. You better put it back.
Are you installing on a PC, "No I'm using a 3.5 thingee on a disk"
Well I just turn it off when I don't like where I am
Is that technical support, yes, "do you know anything about computers"
IS
WINDOWS A VIRUS?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses
(viri?) do:
1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system
as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk
Okay, Windows does that, too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Yup, that's with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and
they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So, Windows is *not* a virus.
IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BUY
COMPUTERS?
Car manufacturers don't have a
"help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers - but imagine if they did . . .
HELP LINE: "Main Dealer Help line, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELP LINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELP LINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of
these tech terms just to use my car?"
HELP LINE: "Main Dealer Help line, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELP LINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
HELP LINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.'
Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELP LINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase
some more gasoline.
You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid all this money! Now you tell me that I have to keep
buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
HELP LINE: "Main Dealer Help line, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELP LINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELP LINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the
way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"
HELP LINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product.
What do you
expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't crash anymore!"
HELP LINE: "Main Dealer Help line, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control,
power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELP LINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELP LINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELP LINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"
HUMOUR
- It's Going to be a Bad Day When...
You wake up face down on the pavement
You read your Obituary in the paper.
All you Remember About the night Before is a Bare Named Spanky's
Your Boss calls you into is office and tells not to bother taking off you coat
You wake up naked in your bosses front yard
Your cat gets hit by a steam roller and your cat is in the living room
You wake up and your feet are set in concrete
Your water bed is leaking and you don't have a water bed
The Auditor calls and asks you to clear up the next twenty years
Your shadow runs away
Your Horoscope tells you not to make any long term plans
You wake up in the gorilla cage at the zoo
You wake up in bed with a blood relative
You are walked up the isle by a man with a shot gun
Your shot in the but and in feels kind of good
You wake up and some guy in a white lab coat says your sex change was successful
Even the prostitute on the corner won't "date" you
You give your cat the leftover pizza and eat her food
You run over your foot with the car
HUMOUR
- ACCIDENT REPORT
- Grammar Mistakes
Actual statements from insurance forms
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up,
obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car
6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making
me unable to avoid the accident
I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him
I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth
I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face
HUMOUR
- QUOTES
TIME IS WHAT
KEEPS THINGS FROM HAPPENING ALL AT ONCE
LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION, I CAN FIND IT MYSELF
LOTTERY: A TAX ON PEOPLE WHO ARE BAD AT MATHS
VERY FUNNY SCOTTY. NOW BEAM DOWN MY CLOTHES
WE ARE MICROSOFT. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED
I DIDN'T FIGHT MY WAY TO THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN TO BE A VEGETARIAN
I DON'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY, I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT
IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP, BUT YOU EAT BETTER
FEW WOMEN ADMIT THEIR AGE, FEW MEN ACT IT
IF WE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO EAT ANIMALS, WHY ARE THEY MADE WITH MEAT?
WOMEN WHO SEEK TO BE EQUAL WITH MEN LACK AMBITION
YOUR KID MAY BE AN HONOR STUDENT BUT YOU'RE STILL AN IDIOT
LOVE: TWO VOWELS, TWO CONSONANTS, TWO FOOLS
ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS THE PROBLEM DOESN'T EXIST
SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE ONLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO KILL THEM
PRIDE IS WHAT WE HAVE. PITY IS WHAT OTHERS HAVE
FORGET ABOUT WORLD PEACE...VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL
WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR
GIVE ME AMBIGUITY OR GIVE ME SOMETHING ELSE
MAKE IT IDIOT PROOF AND SOMEONE WILL MAKE A BETTER IDIOT
HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST
ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU'RE UNIQUE, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE
PURITANISM: THE HAUNTING FEAR THAT SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE MAY BE HAPPY
CONSCIOUSNESS: THAT ANNOYING TIME BETWEEN NAPS
3 KINDS OF PEOPLE: THOSE WHO CAN COUNT AND THOSE WHO CAN'T
WHY IS "ABBREVIATION" SUCH A LONG WORD?
EVER STOP TO THINK, AND FORGET TO START AGAIN?
DIPLOMACY IS THE ART OF SAYING "NICE DOGGIE!"...TILL YOU CAN FIND A ROCK
HUMOUR - CAR STICKERS
Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog
Work is for people who don't know how to fish
If you don't like the news, go out and make some
I Brake For No Apparent Reason
Sorry, I don't date outside my species
I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
Inland Revenue We've got what it takes to take what you have got
How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?
I can handle pain until it hurts
I'm objective; I object to everything
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks
No matter where you go; you're there
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane
Life's a beach, and then you drown
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing
Have a nice day . . . somewhere else
It's been Monday all week
Gravity always gets me down
I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway
They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely
If God intended men to smoke, He would have set him on fire
It's bad luck to be superstitious
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives
Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have
I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean
According to my best recollection, I don't remember
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am
HUMOUR - CREATIVE WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE IS
STUPID
A few clowns short of a circus
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
A few beers short of a six-pack
Dumber than a box of hair
A few peas short of a casserole
Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box
A few feathers short of a duck
All foam, no beer
The cheese slid off her cracker
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
As smart as bait
Chimney's clogged
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
Forgot to pay her brain bill
Her sewing machine's out of thread
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
His belt doesn't go through all the loops
If she had another brain, it would be lonely
Missing a few buttons on his remote control
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
Receiver is off the hook
Skylight leaks a little
Too much garbage between the goal posts
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
The lights are on, but nobody's home
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
HUMOUR - CLASSIFIED ADS
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms
Dinner Special -- Turkey 2.35; Chicken or Beef 2.25; Children 2.00
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
large drawers
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat,
size 8 and fur collar
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Sheppard and an Alaskan Hussy
Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche
Great Dames for sale
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery.
It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates
Automatically burns toast
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else
Stock up and save. Limit: one
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it
We build bodies that last a lifetime
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens
For Sale--Diamonds 20; microscopes 15
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment
Man, honest. Will take anything
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, 200 a month. References required
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person
Modular Sofas. Only 299. For rest or fore play
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again
See ladies blouses. 50% off!
Illiterate? Write today for free help
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating
Mother's helper--peasant working conditions
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety unrivaled inconvenience
T-SHIRT
HUMOUR - SLOGANS
Pity the poor egg: it only gets laid once
The Hunchback of Notre Dame's secret mantra: Oh mommy pat my hump
What's good for Ugoose is good for Uganda
I'd rather have Lockheed deliver the mail than ride around in a plane built by the post office.
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you
Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours
The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss
Reality is a crutch for people who can't face drugs
When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds -- Albert Einstein
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill
We are the people our parents warned us about
Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself
How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?
There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting
Power means not having to respond
Onward, through the fog
Never kick a man unless he's down
Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out
We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been taken out and shot
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made
I'm not as dumb as you look
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer
How can I love you if you won't lie down?
I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on
When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate
To err is human. To forgive is unusual
Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible
I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you
I'm the person your mother warned you about
How can I tell you I love you when you're sitting on my face?
God is dead and I want His job
Work is the curse of the drinking class
I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving
Our parents were never our age
Nothing was ever accomplished by a reasonable person
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself
Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man -- George Bernard Shaw
There's nothing more restful than taking orders from fools
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity
In the country of the blind the one eyed man is king
He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth
It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys
When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better -- Mae West
I'm really enjoying not talking to you, so let's not talk again real soon, ok?
He who laughs last didn't get the joke
Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide
You can't fall off the floor
Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me. -- Mae West
I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally
I think I could fall madly in bed with you
I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost
Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints
Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing
I worship the ground that awaits you
The future isn't what it used to be
I wish you were a beer
I want to live forever or die in the attempt
Love means telling you why you're sorry
Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent
I'm having a party in my pants. Want to come?
Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?
Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness
Better dead than mellow
If I follow you home will you keep me?
A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine
There is no gravity. The Earth sucks
Bureaucrats do not change the course of the ship of state. They merely adjust the compass
It's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word
Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to keep a total stranger alive. It's really a total stranger giving up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action
Drink wet cement: Get Stoned
Kite fliers keep it up longer
On a child's T-Shirt: My human experience is just beginning
If you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly
An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a complex, incomprehensible truth
You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them
We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God
I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference
Those of you who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. -- Mae West
It's not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools
I'm not cynical. Just experienced
I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant
Bend over. I'll drive
I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down. No problem
It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am
